For a couple of years now, I have accomplished very little. Ever since I lost my daycare, it's been like my life is nothing but a struggle. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon either. I try and hide my sorrows for lack of a better word at the moment and put on a smile for everyone so I don't have to deal with everyone asking what is wrong; when really, I wouldn't even be able to give them an answer. Because I don't know myself. So how am I supposed to explain it to someone?
It's not my home life. My marriage is great. Amazing actually. I could have never found a better guy. I love Jeff in every sense of the word. My kids are amazing. Sure, they get on my nerves, and we have some bickers, but nothing like some of the families I see.
Today set me off I guess you would say, because of my son. He is having a really hard time at school. He cannot focus on the task at hand. It's not reflecting his work per say other then it always takes him so much longer to finish things. They did like a mini assessment on him and I received their comments today. What happened to teachers working with kids and teaching them rather then just chalking them up to needing med's or other treatments? My son writes slowly.. basically that's it. There's no sensory issues, no visual motor or fine motor problems.. They are recommending him using a computer to do his work. How is this going to help him write faster?! I got upset talking to my son about this today.Which in turn made him upset. I went all hardcore a couple months ago, got some work books and was getting him to do something in them every night. But I myself am so messed up emotionally, that I cannot even keep him on track nightly to try and help him get better at writing. I feel horrible for this. I feel like it is my fault he is having so much trouble. I'm not "that mom" who has a kid with issues. I was/am the mom that always helps the kids with things they are behind or struggling with, and I haven't even helped my own son! What kind of mother am I? How could I have just let this go for so long and just brushed it off as "oh he's just a boy" "boys always lag a bit behind" It is tearing my heart out that I have done this, and yet, because I am not 100% , I cannot find the motivation I need to help him get past this.
As I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my face(which is almost a daily occurrence now. Usually after everyone is in bed/hubby at work when no one can see/hear me) , I am so lost. Lost for what I can do to help my son. Lost as to what I can do to make myself better aside from being medicated. Lost as to what I am going to do in the fall when the last of my little daycare friends starts school. Lost completely and utterly.. I don't even know where to begin to start to get better.
But I have to. Somehow. Someway. Soon. Sooner the better. But how?
I just want to be my happy go lucky self again. I haven't seen that part of me in many many years, and I miss it. It's like I've given so much of myself to everyone else, and never gotten anything in return. People always take and take from me, and being the selfless person I am, I allow them. I sit and listen to everyone's problems.. help out however I can. But when it comes to me? Who do I have to go to? No one, because everyone is just as fucked up as I am, and are useless. Or think I'm over exaggerating . or like my mom would say "oh you just need some antidepressants and you'll feel much better." Sure, I'll feel better perhaps, but will I really? I don't believe I will. It will just mask everything and the feelings will still be there in waiting. I don't really have any true friends here in my home city. Not anyone I can just chill with and not be judged, or end up listening to them whine about their life or whatnot.
Maybe that is why I feel so lost. I'm always so wrapped up into other peoples shit that I don't know where I want to go/be/do . I've lost my way in this mess of family bullshit and other people's bullshit. I need somewhere where I can find myself. But where? It's so hard to explain how I feel. Lost is only way I can describe it.. lost..confused, empty..I dunno..just everything..
