Holiday Spirit

I feel like the most horrible parent in the universe right now. My adorable son, starts talking about Santa. He hasn't really talked much about it the past couple of years. Last year he never even put cookies out! And over the past few years, I've said as you get older Santa brings less because of all the new kids born. 

So tonight, he's like Mommy do you believe in Santa? And I'm like well what do you believe. And he replies, I think he's real. Some kids at school say he's fake, but I know he's real. Because who would fill up the stockings, and leave us presents on the couch. It wouldn't be you. 

And I say, well how do you know. And he goes off about it's not a science blah blah blah. And I reply, well, so you don't really know. And his answer to me was... "Well he must be real Mommy because you wouldn't lie to me. " 

I swear I felt like I got shot.. I just sat and cried in the shower because I feel so horrible.. Why did Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy ever have to be invented! :/

The above was my post to some friends last night. Tonight, I told my son the truth about these fictional characters. Oddly enough, he wasn't upset about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.. he said he kinda thought it was funny. But Santa?! OMG.. he bawled and bawled.. 

I told him that I was so very sorry for lying to him. But it's a tradition that has been going on for many many years and it's just something that us parents do (because we're fking stupid and let commercialism take over our lives) As I sit here typing this, I am bawling myself. I cannot believe how sad my little boy was over this. I mean, he's not so little, he's 9 1/2 . But to see the look on his face and him cry like he did, broke my heart.  He's such a good boy. So kind hearted and laid back. When I asked him why he didn't say anything about the very little "Santa" stuff he got last year, he told me, that he doesn't expect a lot. Which made me cry even more, because that's what Christmas is all about. And I told him this. I tried to explain to him that St. Nick is someone who helped out the less fortunate people at Christmas so that they could have a happy Christmas, and that as the years went on, people started making a bigger and bigger deal about it. He understands, but is still crushed. 

I guess the main part of this is that he's not mad at me. He said he understands why we do it. And that when he's older he will do the same thing for his children. He said that I kept it from him because it is what we do. And that he knows I didn't want people to make fun of him because he still "believed"

I told him he can still believe in the spirit of Santa because that part is real. Just the magical gifts portion isn't. 

I hope I haven't scarred him for life now :(

My Mom

On Tuesday October 23rd, my Mom (who is diabetic) had to have a mini surgical procedure to remove slivers of nail from either side of her big toe, to prevent ingrown nails. She's had ingrown nails for many many years, as did I. Mine would get so infected, I couldn't walk so I had the same procedure done like 12 yrs ago. Anyways, she had this done, went home, everything seemed fine. 2 days later she was allowed to go back to work. She went back. Then the next day she was in horrible pain. Her foot had swollen to like 5 times the normal size and she could hardly walk. I told her to go back to the place where she got it done. The lady said it was infected and gave her an RX for pills. The pills didn't work. I made her go to emerg on the Monday.So that's almost a week after the surgery was done. The pills didn't work because it was a "joint infection" and the other lady should have told her to go to the emerg in the first place. So my Mom was put on an IV med. She had to go everyday for a week to get this medication, then go to her family doctor to see if she needs more treatment. She did the week, went to our doctor on Tuesday the 6th of Nov. She said she needed more IV med. But it was only half the amount she got the previous week. So Mom thought it was a good thing and was getting better. 
  Wednesday(yesterday), my Mom is in tears. Her foot is in horrible pain all over again.. worse even. The lady that gives her the IV med is only a nurse, she don't even look at her foot or anything. They just give her the meds. So, I tried desperately last night at about 11 pm to get my mom to go back to the hospital. She wouldn't go until this morning. She's been there since 9 am , they gave her some pain meds and are in the process of giving her an ultra sound. 
 I stupidly Googled "Joint Infection Diabetic" and came across an article that said, that if this is not treated quickly enough, it could result in amputation. 
 *Sigh* WHY did I have to look?!  I'm so upset. If my mom loses her foot, she will forever be in a horrible depression .. it will take her entire livelihood away from her..she loves to be out and about. She LOVES to swim. I know, she can still do all this stuff, but I can totally see her burrowing away somewhere and never do anything again. She wouldn't want anyone to see her like that. 


I guess I'll update this when I know more.. Just had to get my thoughts out I guess..

*Sigh*

A friend of mine asked all of us about our friends. If we tend to lean more towards older people or younger..and it triggered something in me. And now I can't let it go. 
 I'm lost. Plain and simple. I'm not sure who I was or who I am, or who I want to be. This is rather upsetting to me. Although I'm not really sure why. 
I really want to do something with my life. I want to be able to move and provide better for my kids. My husband should not have all that burden. But, what do I want to do? Jeff keeps asking me this, and I honestly don't know. He says pick something you enjoy. Something you will thrive in, can move up and succeed. Have a stable job/career. 
 But nothing excites me anymore. When I was in school, I wanted to work in a lawyers office, or work with kids. I've had kids running around my house for 7 years. It's not something I want to continue. But it's safe. It's like I'm afraid to leave the house and go out into the big scary world. 

Do I regret not continuing my education before I had children? Yes. But would I change it if I could go back in time? I'm not sure. I may not have had the experiences I had if I did. I may not have ended up with the amazing children that I have today. 

These days, I look at job's, and think, could I do this? And I make myself think that I could. But you need schooling. And even then, there's no guarantees because many companies insist you have experience. They put it right in the ad. "Experience a must" or "if you don't have experience you must be able to volunteer your hours until you are experienced" WTF kind of shit is this. How do they expect people to gain experience if they won't hire them. 

Ahh.. I dunno..