Lost

I am going to apologize first for the mumbo jumbo that this post is going to be. I don't really know how it is going to come out, and it is going to be all over the place. But I need to type.. maybe to try and figure some things out? I don't really know. But I have a feeling this is going to be a long one. 
For a couple of years now, I have accomplished very little. Ever since I lost my daycare, it's been like my life is nothing but a struggle. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon either. I try and hide my sorrows for lack of a better word at the moment and put on a smile for everyone so I don't have to deal with everyone asking what is wrong; when really, I wouldn't even be able to give them an answer. Because I don't know myself. So how am I supposed to explain it to someone? 
 It's not my home life. My marriage is great. Amazing actually. I could have never found a better guy. I love Jeff in every sense of the word. My kids are amazing. Sure, they get on my nerves, and we have some bickers, but nothing like some of the families I see. 
 Today set me off I guess you would say, because of my son. He is having a really hard time at school. He cannot focus on the task at hand. It's not reflecting his work per say  other then it always takes him so much longer to finish things. They did like a mini assessment on him and I received their comments today. What happened to teachers working with kids and teaching them rather then just chalking them up to needing med's or other treatments? My son writes slowly.. basically that's it. There's no sensory issues, no visual motor or fine motor problems.. They are recommending him using a computer to do his work. How is this going to help him write faster?! I got upset talking to my son about this today.Which in turn made him upset. I went all hardcore a couple months ago, got some work books and was getting him to do something in them every night. But I myself am so messed up emotionally, that I cannot even keep him on track nightly to try and help him get better at writing. I feel horrible for this. I feel like it is my fault he is having so much trouble. I'm not "that mom" who has a kid with issues. I was/am the mom that always helps the kids with things they are behind or struggling with, and I haven't even helped my own son! What kind of mother am I? How could I have just let this go for so long and just brushed it off as "oh he's just a boy" "boys always lag a bit behind" It is tearing my heart out that I have done this, and yet, because I am not 100% , I cannot find the motivation I need to help him get past this. 
 As I sit here typing this, tears streaming down my face(which is almost a daily occurrence now. Usually after everyone is in bed/hubby at work when no one can see/hear me)  , I am so lost. Lost for what I can do to help my son. Lost as to what I can do to make myself better aside from being medicated. Lost as to what I am going to do in the fall when the last of my little daycare friends starts school. Lost completely and utterly.. I don't even know where to begin to start to get better. 
 But I have to. Somehow. Someway. Soon. Sooner the better. But how? 

I just want to be my happy go lucky self again. I haven't seen that part of me in many many years, and I miss it. It's like I've given so much of myself to everyone else, and never gotten anything in return. People always take and take from me, and being the selfless person I am, I allow them. I sit and listen to everyone's problems.. help out however I can. But when it comes to me? Who do I have to go to? No one, because everyone is just as fucked up as I am, and are useless. Or think I'm over exaggerating . or like my mom would say "oh you just need some antidepressants and you'll feel much better." Sure, I'll feel better perhaps, but will I really? I don't believe I will. It will just mask everything and the feelings will still be there in waiting. I don't really have any true friends here in my home city. Not anyone I can just chill with and not be judged, or end up listening to them whine about their life or whatnot. 
 Maybe that is why I feel so lost. I'm always so wrapped up into other peoples shit that I don't know where I want to go/be/do . I've lost my way in this mess of family bullshit and other people's bullshit. I need somewhere where I can find myself. But where?  It's so hard to explain how I feel. Lost is only way I can describe it.. lost..confused, empty..I dunno..just everything..

Holiday Spirit

I feel like the most horrible parent in the universe right now. My adorable son, starts talking about Santa. He hasn't really talked much about it the past couple of years. Last year he never even put cookies out! And over the past few years, I've said as you get older Santa brings less because of all the new kids born. 

So tonight, he's like Mommy do you believe in Santa? And I'm like well what do you believe. And he replies, I think he's real. Some kids at school say he's fake, but I know he's real. Because who would fill up the stockings, and leave us presents on the couch. It wouldn't be you. 

And I say, well how do you know. And he goes off about it's not a science blah blah blah. And I reply, well, so you don't really know. And his answer to me was... "Well he must be real Mommy because you wouldn't lie to me. " 

I swear I felt like I got shot.. I just sat and cried in the shower because I feel so horrible.. Why did Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy ever have to be invented! :/

The above was my post to some friends last night. Tonight, I told my son the truth about these fictional characters. Oddly enough, he wasn't upset about the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.. he said he kinda thought it was funny. But Santa?! OMG.. he bawled and bawled.. 

I told him that I was so very sorry for lying to him. But it's a tradition that has been going on for many many years and it's just something that us parents do (because we're fking stupid and let commercialism take over our lives) As I sit here typing this, I am bawling myself. I cannot believe how sad my little boy was over this. I mean, he's not so little, he's 9 1/2 . But to see the look on his face and him cry like he did, broke my heart.  He's such a good boy. So kind hearted and laid back. When I asked him why he didn't say anything about the very little "Santa" stuff he got last year, he told me, that he doesn't expect a lot. Which made me cry even more, because that's what Christmas is all about. And I told him this. I tried to explain to him that St. Nick is someone who helped out the less fortunate people at Christmas so that they could have a happy Christmas, and that as the years went on, people started making a bigger and bigger deal about it. He understands, but is still crushed. 

I guess the main part of this is that he's not mad at me. He said he understands why we do it. And that when he's older he will do the same thing for his children. He said that I kept it from him because it is what we do. And that he knows I didn't want people to make fun of him because he still "believed"

I told him he can still believe in the spirit of Santa because that part is real. Just the magical gifts portion isn't. 

I hope I haven't scarred him for life now :(

My Mom

On Tuesday October 23rd, my Mom (who is diabetic) had to have a mini surgical procedure to remove slivers of nail from either side of her big toe, to prevent ingrown nails. She's had ingrown nails for many many years, as did I. Mine would get so infected, I couldn't walk so I had the same procedure done like 12 yrs ago. Anyways, she had this done, went home, everything seemed fine. 2 days later she was allowed to go back to work. She went back. Then the next day she was in horrible pain. Her foot had swollen to like 5 times the normal size and she could hardly walk. I told her to go back to the place where she got it done. The lady said it was infected and gave her an RX for pills. The pills didn't work. I made her go to emerg on the Monday.So that's almost a week after the surgery was done. The pills didn't work because it was a "joint infection" and the other lady should have told her to go to the emerg in the first place. So my Mom was put on an IV med. She had to go everyday for a week to get this medication, then go to her family doctor to see if she needs more treatment. She did the week, went to our doctor on Tuesday the 6th of Nov. She said she needed more IV med. But it was only half the amount she got the previous week. So Mom thought it was a good thing and was getting better. 
  Wednesday(yesterday), my Mom is in tears. Her foot is in horrible pain all over again.. worse even. The lady that gives her the IV med is only a nurse, she don't even look at her foot or anything. They just give her the meds. So, I tried desperately last night at about 11 pm to get my mom to go back to the hospital. She wouldn't go until this morning. She's been there since 9 am , they gave her some pain meds and are in the process of giving her an ultra sound. 
 I stupidly Googled "Joint Infection Diabetic" and came across an article that said, that if this is not treated quickly enough, it could result in amputation. 
 *Sigh* WHY did I have to look?!  I'm so upset. If my mom loses her foot, she will forever be in a horrible depression .. it will take her entire livelihood away from her..she loves to be out and about. She LOVES to swim. I know, she can still do all this stuff, but I can totally see her burrowing away somewhere and never do anything again. She wouldn't want anyone to see her like that. 


I guess I'll update this when I know more.. Just had to get my thoughts out I guess..

*Sigh*

A friend of mine asked all of us about our friends. If we tend to lean more towards older people or younger..and it triggered something in me. And now I can't let it go. 
 I'm lost. Plain and simple. I'm not sure who I was or who I am, or who I want to be. This is rather upsetting to me. Although I'm not really sure why. 
I really want to do something with my life. I want to be able to move and provide better for my kids. My husband should not have all that burden. But, what do I want to do? Jeff keeps asking me this, and I honestly don't know. He says pick something you enjoy. Something you will thrive in, can move up and succeed. Have a stable job/career. 
 But nothing excites me anymore. When I was in school, I wanted to work in a lawyers office, or work with kids. I've had kids running around my house for 7 years. It's not something I want to continue. But it's safe. It's like I'm afraid to leave the house and go out into the big scary world. 

Do I regret not continuing my education before I had children? Yes. But would I change it if I could go back in time? I'm not sure. I may not have had the experiences I had if I did. I may not have ended up with the amazing children that I have today. 

These days, I look at job's, and think, could I do this? And I make myself think that I could. But you need schooling. And even then, there's no guarantees because many companies insist you have experience. They put it right in the ad. "Experience a must" or "if you don't have experience you must be able to volunteer your hours until you are experienced" WTF kind of shit is this. How do they expect people to gain experience if they won't hire them. 

Ahh.. I dunno.. 

Hallowe'en !

Well, it's that time of year again, where we as parents trudge out in the elements for our children to gather candy to make mommy even fatter! 
 Lauren wants to go with friends this year. Guess it's starting.. which I am surprisingly pretty OK with. As long as she follows the rules of course. Deep down I'm sad, but I know that I need to be able to let her do these things. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything at her age. I think that is partly why I got married so young. I NEEDED out of the clutches of no life. And I don't want that for my kids. I want them to be able to go out and enjoy their friends and make memories. 
 Brendan seems to be OK with just going with me tonight. I'm not sure if he feels left out or if he just don't care yet. He's such a laid back sensitive kid.. I hope he comes more out of his shell this new year. I try not to baby him, because I know he's so sensitive, and he needs to build up some balls so to speak, but I feel so bad for him when something happens, and he gets so upset, when really it's not even that major! Ahh well, time will tell I guess. 

Here's a pic of my 2 kids and all the munchkins I look after :) 

Happy Hallowe'en Everyone!

The Young and the Restless...

Ok, so, just a little blurb because I think it's so funny. I've watched this show for many many years.. like since I was a kid because my parents.. yes my mom AND dad both watched it. My dad used to record it on the BETA VCR...LOL when he had to work. 
 My question is... WTF does Nikki Newman do with all the engagement rings she's gotten over what... 30 ish years?!! Like holy shit! I'd be pawning those suckers off and buying a new wardrobe! She's been married to Victor how many times now.. then there's Jack...and Brad.. and that slimy guy when she was drunk like just last year.. who else?! I swear she's got millions in engagement rings and wedding bands! Jeez! 

School at 34 ?

So, I need to do something with my life. I should have done this years ago, should have waited to have kids, etc. That whole boat has left the dock I can't change it. But in all reality I NEED to find a career.
 The question is : What do I want to be when I grow up?? 

This answer isn't as simple as it sounds. I was just talking about this with some friends. My absolute passion is to have my own business. A cafe would be nice. It would have good coffees, teas and other drinks. Good sandwiches and desserts. Maybe soups. Nothing more though. A place where people can come and hang out. Check their email, catch up with old friends, and in the summer, listen to local bands on a small patio or if the place is big enough, a solo artist through the winter, in the front corner . It's all there in my head. I know exactly how I want everything to look and feel. But, this takes an obscene amount of money that we don't have.
 So, then I thought maybe I could buy a franchise. Like the one my mom works at. Perhaps some of you have a location near you. It's called Sharkey's Cuts for kids. But again, the money problem. A Sharkey's franchise has grown to a whopping $300,000 . Ya, like THAT'S gonna happen. 

Now I'm back at looking at school courses. Ones I can do from home, so I can still do the job I am doing. And are somewhat affordable. I've come back to this one certificate program several times. It's for a "Ward Clerk" . It's 8 courses. On averages $350 a course, plus books.   Which isn't too bad if I had extra money to throw at this. I would be able to get a job in a hospital or perhaps a doctors office, or health clinic.  According to payscale , I could make $30 -$55 k a year at this job in Ontario.
 They are always looking for Ward Clerks, and I am thinking there would be room for advancement if I so desired. Perhaps Ward Management or the likes of. It would be a secure job, with a pension and benefits if I got into the right place. With the large aging population these days, I think it might be a good place to start. They are going to need more and more people to operate in hospitals, nursing homes and doctor's offices. As well as clinic's and home care. This Certificate program would be a stepping stone to many possibilities.
 Or so I believe. But is this true? Are they going to need that many "clerks/secretaries" or when I finally finish this course, will there be many more people who have already jumped on the band wagon ahead of me because they had the financial backing that I don't have. 

*sigh*